I wake up cold. I roll over and hit my phone, because it’s beeping. Incessantly. That doesn’t stop it, so I sit halfway up in the bed and fiddle around with it until it stops making that horrible noise.
I look at the time and mumble, “Five more minutes.”
I roll over to shake my husband awake and my hand lands on the cold bed. He’s not there. I sit up, yell out his name before I realize that he doesn’t live here anymore. In my near-sleep state, I’d forgotten. Again.
The shock hits me anew, like it does almost every morning. My body shakes and I fight back the urge to scream and throw something.
No, not because we’re getting a divorce, because we aren’t.
Rather, I feel cheated.
I miss my husband so much that it hurts. I want to talk to him every second of every day. I have heard my entire life that the whole “obsessive” crazy thing wears off after the first two years of marriage, after the first kid is born, after the first time you walk in on the other using the bathroom, after you gain weight. All of these lines have been crossed, sometimes by accident, but they’ve been crossed.
We’ve been married almost 7 years and I want nothing more than to crawl in to bed next to him, tangle myself in his blanket and snuggle up next to him.
I want nothing more than his kids to be able to jump on him in the morning, giggling with glee at waking their daddy up.
I want nothing more than our lives to, for once, be normal and completely and totally in sync with one another.
For some reason, whether it’s Fate or God or just us being stupid, this doesn’t seem to happen for us. Being married isn’t easy for us.
It’s hard work.
To try to keep up the smiles, the happiness in the face of overwhelming sadness and depression, and to keep up the “normal” feeling of having a happy “home” in the same state.
I feel like I can’t tell him any of this, and it’s driving me insane.
I know, I know, there are many wives out there that have to live with the fear of having someone tell them their husband passed away during war. I lived with this fear for a while, although he hasn’t deployed since we’ve been worried, the possibility was always in the back of my mind, and I thank God every day that he decided to get out of the Army and think of his family.
I know, I know, there are many things worse than only seeing him for one week a month.
I get told this everyday by people that are just trying to make me see the glass as half full.
But, once, I’d just like for someone to see it as half empty with me, because although I have empathy for all the bad things that happen to other people, sometimes? I just want to feel bad for me. For my kids. For my husband. For my family.
So, yeah, I get it, things suck for everyone. But today? I just want to focus on how much things suck for me. Just for today, ok?
I just need that one day.