I’m not sure how this happened, but apparently everyone in my house is insane. I say this because the moment I married my husband, I was promoted to The Keeper of All Things In the House. I’m not sure how this happened, and it didn’t come with a crown (which I’m very bitter about) or any kind of cool uniform or anything, it just happened. And I think my family is insane because of it.
Here’s the thing about being the Keeper of All Things in the House: I don’t know where all the things are. No idea, actually. Blissfully unaware most of the time, even.
My son? He knows where every freaking toy he’s ever gotten from McDonalds ever is located. I? Can’t find my backpack three seconds after I sit it down in the afternoons. I’ve also lost every single scrunchy I’ve ever owned within two days. I run around my house every morning screaming things like, “Where are my keys?”, “Where are my pants?”, “Where’s my breakfast?”, “Where are my keys NOW?”.
So I ask you, how did I get this elevated status in my household? Why would my family do this to me? Are they Actually Insane?
Here are some Actual Conversations about missing things over the last few days, which I will contrast with things I’ve lost and where I’ve found them when (hardly) anyone was around…..
Conversations with Others:
- Son: Mama, where’s my backpack?
Me: Where’d you put it?
Son: Right where you’re sitting. Why don’t you know where it is?
Me: Because I am not the keeper of the things. Check the hook in the hallway.
Son: FOUND IT! Thanks Mom!
- Daughter: Mama, where are my clothes?
Me: In your drawers.
Daughter: Oh, ok.
- McHusband: Where’s the toothpicks?
Me: Honey, I have no idea, I haven’t used them.
McHusband: You hid them?
Me: *sigh* NO. I haven’t *used* them.
McHusband: But why don’t you know where they are?
Me: Because they aren’t something I use.
McHusband: (pouty face) But. But you know where everything is.
Me: OHMYGOD. NO. I. DON’T.
- My phone. Where was it? I was on it.
- My backpack. It was on my bed, under a blanket. Which I was also under.
- My iPod. Which was in my backpack. I went to the car to look for it five times.
- My phone. Again. Yep, still on it.
- My glasses. They were on my face. I did this three times.