Last weekend sucked. I got into a fender bender (my car is totally fine, the other car? Not so much.), I ended up sleeping all day on Sunday, but there was this wonderful, fantastic silver lining: I found out I was pregnant. Which means that all the suckiness floated away. It was such a great feeling to find out that I was going to have another baby.
But something felt wrong.
I was excited. I was happy. But I didn’t feel pregnant. I felt, well, empty inside.
I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test until Wednesday, which were all positive, and then I thought to myself, “Everything is fine. It’s fine.”
It wasn’t, apparently.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in the hospital. I lost the baby.
Although the Doctor kept saying that my pregnancy had been non-existent.
Over and over and over again: Non-existent pregnancy.
In other words: I was pregnant and now I’m not. Not sure how to classify that, other than a miscarraige.
They did ultrasounds, HCG tests. Everything. Everything pointed to my baby being lost.
Although that’s not what they call it, it still feels like a loss.
I cried all day yesterday. Today, though, I’ve decided that I can’t cry anymore. I can’t continue to cry over it and expect to actually get through it.
So, today, although I feel a staggering amount of loss, I am vowing to focus on the things outside my body. The beauty of things around me, and, of course, my beautiful babies that I have here with me.
Today, that’s what I have to do.