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Loss

Last weekend sucked. I got into a fender bender (my car is totally fine, the other car? Not so much.), I ended up sleeping all day on Sunday, but there was this wonderful, fantastic silver lining: I found out I was pregnant. Which means that all the suckiness floated away. It was such a great feeling to find out that I was going to have another baby. 

But something felt wrong.

I was excited. I was happy. But I didn’t feel pregnant. I felt, well, empty inside.

I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test until Wednesday, which were all positive, and then I thought to myself, “Everything is fine. It’s fine.”

It wasn’t, apparently.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in the hospital. I lost the baby.

Although the Doctor kept saying that my pregnancy had been non-existent.

Over and over and over again: Non-existent pregnancy.

In other words: I was pregnant and now I’m not. Not sure how to classify that, other than a miscarraige.

They did ultrasounds, HCG tests. Everything. Everything pointed to my baby being lost.

Although that’s not what they call it, it still feels like a loss.

I cried all day yesterday. Today, though, I’ve decided that I can’t cry anymore. I can’t continue to cry over it and expect to actually get through it. 

So, today, although I feel a staggering amount of loss, I am vowing to focus on the things outside my body. The beauty of things around me, and, of course, my beautiful babies that I have here with me. 

Today, that’s what I have to do. 

 

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One response »

  1. Such a straight from the heart post .I read this somewhere…If you are in a bad situation, it will change, if you are in a good situation, it will change…………..

    Loved this part of your post….

    [So, today, although I feel a staggering amount of loss, I am vowing to focus on the things outside my body. The beauty of things around me, and, of course, my beautiful babies that I have here with me. ]…Salute your attitude to life Honestly Mamma, it shall take you a long way

    Reply

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