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Jackhole Bike Riders

This is an open letter to the Jackwagon bike riders my town is infested with. If you are a bike rider, more power to you, just learn how NOT to be a jackhole and everything will be fine. Heck, you might not get almost run over every single day if you do it right, wouldn’t that be nice? Seriously, though, if you are a bike rider that follows the rules and are awesome and great, then AWESOME, please move to my town and show these other people how to ride a bike. I will pay you in chocolate and booze.

Ok, jackhole bike riders, gather ’round. Apparently, some of us missed Bike Riding 101 or our parents were douchebags who never taught us how to ride a bike. Either way, I will now give unto you the lessons passed down by the Smarter, Wiser, ALIVE bike riders. Listen, because this will only be said once.

If there is a bike lane/side walk/anywhere that’s NOT the middle of the freaking road, ride your bike THERE. Riding your bike in front of my F-150 when there’s a sidewalk less than five feet from you is not going to help you live longer. Seriously. Especially when I’m late for a Very Important Something-or-Other and I need to get there right! now! and it’s only a block away and you’re channeling a turtle and lolli-gagging like you’ve got all the time in the world, which you might, but I don’t. Which is why I drive.

And you wonder why people don’t like you.

Stopping in the middle of the road for no other reason than to “holla” at Sha-nay-nay will get you hurt. I get it, that girl was looking fine. That’s great. Dude, get on the effing sidewalk. Seriously. You’re gonna get hurt if you just all of a sudden come to a full stop in front of a mean, Southern, F-150 driving woman. And I wouldn’t blame her, either.

Just because you are on a bike doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever the hell-o you want. That little red hand on the sign across the street from you? Means you can’t! cross! the road! right this second. Because there are cars coming. Cars that might hit you. Just because that sign says “Yield to Pedestrians in Cross Walk” doesn’t mean you should jump out there without looking. I’m going 30 miles per hour and you are basically walking right in front of me, my reflexes are good, thanks to me being a Mom, but Grandma behind me needs a few more seconds to adjust. Don’t be stupid just because you think you can.

If you are on the sidewalk, don’t jump the curb off of it if there is no bike lane, ESPECIALLY without looking behind you. You aren’t paying attention to me, I may not be paying attention to you (because you were on the sidewalk) and jumping the curb into traffic is dangerous. You don’t look eleven years old, but you sure do seem like it. For the love of Pete.

If you are going to ride your bike, put some motherflippin’ clothes on, fool. Seriously. No one wants to see your *completely* nakes self riding a bike. Especially not me. I really don’t want to have to answer questions from my children that are along the lines of, “Why does that man have a banana between his legs?” or “Mama, did you see his BUTT CRACK?“. Really, dude. Clothes. Please be putting them on. And, if you decide NOT to wear clothes, stay out of traffic and away from red lights, that just gives my kids more times to ask me questions about your naked self that I don’t want to answer.

Oh, and one more thing? Naked body + socks that go up to your knees = odd. I wanted to ask you, “What are you afraid someone might see your bare toes?” I mean, come on, if you are going to commit to something, do it all the way. Jeez.

Those little backpacks that say “One Less Car” in big, BOLD, letters? Not cute. Annoying. Ok, I understand. You are one of those crunchy, granola munching, bathing once a month hippies. Coolness. Totally awesome that you would like to save our mother earth. But, wearing a backpack that says “One Less Car” in big letters and then something along the lines of “Aren’t you a douchebag for driving your gas guzzler?” or something along those lines (Note: It didn’t really say that, but it was just as annoying.) is not cute. It doesn’t make me go, “Oh, what an eco-friendly dude,” — it makes me think “What a jackwagon”. Seriously?

You try riding a bike with kids strapped to your back and then come back and tell me I should give up my car.

Also: enjoy the winter, jerkface.

I hope that you all learned something, today. The road is a friendly place for bikers, just not ones that are jackholes. Also? Roads that are not used by F-150 driving southern women are probably friendlier than others.

Class dismissed.


One response »

  1. Can I pass these rules out to my town as well? My biggest complaint is to the ones who do it for exercise, because they NEVER use trails/sidewalks/bike lanes around here. Only the ROAD. And if you’re going to ride in the middle of the road, follow the same laws I have to when driving please!! It makes me so mad that at a red light they’ll just pull on up to the front, then hurry up and go before the light changes! Ugggh.


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