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Cursing -or- How to Talk Around Tea-Cup Humans.

Everyone curses, or used to curse, or knows someone that cursed once. Every. One. Yes, even if you went to an all-Catholic Girls School, you’ve probably done it once in your life.

Everyone also classifies it differently. For me, the “eff-word”, “Gee Dee It”, and slang words for the “private areas” (except “d*ck”) are curse words, everything else is just “colorful language”. For my husband, all four letter (and some five-letter words) are curses. No exceptions. (That I can think of)

Because The Husband would rather me NOT curse around my Tea-Cup Humans (btw, so using that to refer to my spawn from now until forever. I also freaking adore True Blood), because we don’t want them repeating the words around people like the Bible Study teachers at their Pre-School, or ya know, their Kindergarten teachers. Not to mention busting out with a “Isn’t that “effing” great?!?” at the Church house [Note: NONE of these things have ever happened to us, but — I’ve heard horror stories, so better safe than sorry].

My parents cussed all the time when I was a kid. As a matter of fact, I can remember the first time I ever used a curse word and *think* my mom overheard me, but she probably doesn’t remember now (or she might, I dunno). She’d asked me to put some laundry from the dryer into a basket and bring it to her and I stomped off in my pre-teen angst and said, “I don’t even know where the “effing” basket is!” and she responded (much closer than I realized) “The “EFFING” basket is RIGHT. THERE!” Yeah, fun times.

I turned a million shades of red, I was so embarrassed. Cursing around my friends was one thing, around my mom was another.

Because of the whole “I don’t want to teach my children bad language” thing, I’ve come up with “colorful” additions to my language that make it so that they can repeat them and most people won’t say anything [Note: I say “most people” without a hint of snobbery, promise. There are some people that will still get upset hearing these words from my tea-cup humans, I can think of two people off the top of  my head].

Freak [freaking, freak it]: This replaces the “eff” word for me. Plus, it’s much more fun to say and I can say it in nice company.

Frick [frickity, frickity frack, frick it]: Another good one for the “eff” word. It also makes my tea-cup humans giggle. Normally used when I’m a little ticked off about something, or approaching the “Ah, crap” decibel in Mommy Shrieking.

Fudge Crackers (or just “fudge”): Yet another replacement for the “eff” word. This one makes The Husband giggle. Normally, I say this when I stub my toe or drop something for the one millionth time that day.

Crap-o-la: This one is a good substitute for “the ‘s’ word,”. I don’t use it as much as I should, mostly because Mama still has a bit of a potty mouth.

Snitch: This one replaces that “b” word that you hear in reference to female dogs. I actually started using it after reading Harry Potter, because I had friends that didn’t like to curse. Imagine my surprise when, ten years later, I read it on Rants from Mommyland and it made a come back in my every day language.

Jerkface: I call any politician, person, or, (and I HATE to admit this), even my husband this when I want to call them a “d*ck head” but can’t because my tea cup humans are hanging around. [Note: And holy cream puffs, they hear everything, don’t they?]

Son-of-a-motherless-goat-whore [also: son-of-a-motherless-goat OR son-of-a-weiner-schnitzel OR son-of-a-jack-rabbit, depending on mood and who’s around]: This takes the place of “son-of-a-snitch” and normally is thrown around when someone cuts me off in traffic, tries to play bumper buggies with me in the Wall-Store or something else absolutely crazy happens that can be attributed to someone else.

Jackwagon: Honestly? Heard this on that Geico commercial, fell in lurve with it, and started throwing it out every time I got a chance. Favorite. Word. EVAR.

Shiznit: Replacement for the “s” word. It’s really, really fun to say.

There are probably more I can add to my list, but I don’t use them often enough to remember them.

So. Do you have any “covert words” that use around the tea cup humans that you try to keep PG so that they can repeat them and there’s not a problem?


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