“Don’t put bird poop on your face.”
“No really, that is bird poop. Stop wiping it on your face!”
“I’m not kidding, it’s bird poop. Stop! Wiping it! On! Your face!”
“Fine, wipe it on your face. It’s bird poop. But, ya know, whatever. Hope you don’t get the bird flu or whatever…”
[After kid freaks out, realizing it’s bird poop he has been wiping on his face.] “Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, it’s bird poop.”
______
“No, child, you cannot run around outside naked. We have neighbors.”
“Pull! Your! Pants! UP!”
“Stop mooning the neighbors. They don’t want to see your bottom.”
“Seriously? You are almost six years old, child, PUT YOUR PANTS ON!”
“Oh? A mosquito bit your pee-pee? Mama said put your pants back on. Maybe next time, you’ll, I dunno, listen? Geez, child.”
“I’m sorry your pee-pee hurts. Really, I am. But get your hands out of your pants.”
“If you keep your hands in your pants, your pee pee is going to fall off. Yes, really. Fall off.”
[after child starts screaming hysterically] “Ok, fine, it won’t really fall off. Chill out.”
__________
Thing Two: Mama! I need some of that super-duper-ultra mosquito power!
Me: You mean, mosquito repellent?
Thing 2: That what I said. Geez, Mama, just put the stuff on me.
__________
“No, school doesn’t start today. It doesn’t start tomorrow. Stop asking me when school starts.”
[…..5 minutes later…..]
“No. School still doesn’t start today. Or tomorrow.”
[……5 minutes later….]
“No. School doesn’t start today.”
[…..5 minutes later….]
“Yes, school starts today. Let’s go.”
[After driving to the school, child notices school is empty.]
Child: “Mama, we forgot my backpack. Also, I don’t think school starts yet. Why are we here?”
_________
Child: Mama, you know what’s really cool?
Me: Hmmmm….?
Child: When you aren’t here.
Me: Ouch.
Child: Sorry. Did I smack you with my words?
__________
Child: Mama, what’s a “m-effer”. [note: I didn’t not actually say the word, I Actually Said “em-effer” because a mosquito would not die]
Me: Ummmmm…..it’s a bad, bad word. Should not say it. Now stop asking questions.
Child [to sister]: Stop kicking me, you M-EFFER!
I? Am a horrible, bad, horrible mother.
Honestly. Life. 