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Disappearing.

Sometimes, I feel inadequate. Like I don’t belong in college, because I have kids.

Or that I don’t deserve being married.

Or my wonderful children.

I understand that these thoughts are detrimental to my health, and what sucks is that I have “friends” that will tell me things to back up those thoughts all day long.

They’ll say that it’s not fair that The Husband has to work a job where he’s gone a lot so that I can go to school, even though if I could, I would get a job, and I fully plan on getting a job in the fall next year.

They’ll say that it’s wrong that I’m sacrificing this time with my family to go to school.

That I shouldn’t be so selfish.

Why is it that I decide to make a better life for my family and myself by sticking with it for two more years and completing school, and that makes me selfish?

I feel like I’m disappearing behind this image that everyone wants me to be, and no one seems to care what I want, or what is good for my family.

I can knock down each of the things said to me with arguments, I can show them facts. But why do I have to justify my life to others standards? Yes, my husband isn’t home a lot, and it sucks. He’s missing a lot of things that I wish he didn’t have to miss. It really, really sucks.

But it’s only temporary if I finish school and get a job. I’m working my ass off here, and yet that’s not enough.

My husband is fine with me continuing school, he even pushes me when I feel like stopping. He encourages me when I have a bad day or I’m sad because I didn’t do that well on a test.

Yet, I’m supposed to base my life on someone else’s view of how a woman is supposed to live?

I hate making this about gender, because I hate that argument. I’m one of those type of people that cannot stay home all the time without something to do, because it drives me crazy. That has nothing to do with being a mother, it has all to do with the type of person I am.

I hate that people feel like I’m not doing  enough, because I’m tired and I’m working really hard. I’m graduating next semester and I just found out that I’m definitely accepted into The University. I’m going to be able to substitute teach while I’m going to school the first semester, if not get a job at the college. We’ll make it work, we just have to sacrifice for a little while.

Has sacrifice become a taboo thing in our culture?

Military families sacrifice all the time, their husbands and wives are not home for a year or 18 months, but yet they aren’t supposed to complain and it’s okay.

I just don’t understand when sacrificing to make a better life became this horrible thing. I’m not sacrificing my family, because it’s not like my kids will NEVER see me, and dammit they are in school during the day. It makes no difference what I’m doing while they are in school, as long as I’m doing something.

That’s not exactly sacrificing, it’s just going to be a hard time for a while. It’s not going to be the most fun year we’ve ever had.

I don’t know, I’m just ranting.

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